


Life Worth Living

by Charmolypic_Levi



Series: Eruri Oneshots [8]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, One-Shot, Requited Love, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:13:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23841307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charmolypic_Levi/pseuds/Charmolypic_Levi
Summary: Possible trigger for suicidal thoughts/giving up.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Series: Eruri Oneshots [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/993408
Comments: 3
Kudos: 65





	Life Worth Living

_Panting, visible breaths left him- cold sweat dripping down his forehead._ He slowly looked up, eyes a fiery tornado, pinning his victim with a glare of death and rage. The sun was disappearing, lowering to give his companion, the moon, the spotlight. It would make visibility worse, but Levi had other senses. He took a deep, shaky breath, discarding the broken- bent blades. With one swift move, two new were grasped- sliding from their sheaths with a wicked metallic clang. Another deep breath, steadying himself on the trunk of the tree. Exhaustion was creeping in, every muscle screamed for rest- lungs sore from the cool air and overuse.

_There was no time to hesitate._ He stepped to the edge of the branch, up high- far from the ground… _High above the monsters’ heads._ With an inhuman snarl, Levi leapt from the branch- grappling hook launching into the titan below. With speed unmatched by any other being, he launched towards the creature- blades striking harsh and true. _One down, too may more to count. He was alone, the others long gone. Hopefully alive._ Snarls and grunts or rage slid from his lips- body moving the way it was destined. Titan after titan, flesh slashed and lives cut short- _not that they deserved to live._

Levi moved without thinking, muscle memory carrying him- as well as sharper than blade instincts. _Titan down, titan killed, titan slashed- kill, maim, slash, die, **die, DIE.**_ A hand came out of nowhere, slamming him into a branch as he avoided the grasping fingers, by mere centimeters. The harsh collision left him without air in his lungs, struggling to climb to his feet. He glued himself to the trunk- panting hard and wincing in pain. _Broken ribs. Two, maybe three._

This couldn’t be it. This was not how he died, how he vanished! There were people expecting him, he was Humanity’s Strongest… _He IS Humanity’s Strongest._ He shoved off, diving head-first into the swarm of man-eating beasts. Eyes lit up with a bright silver- body filled with an adrenaline so powerful, he felt no pain. No fear. _He could do this._ Slice after slice of inhuman flesh, sounds of roars and cries- _did they feel pain? He hoped they did. How many had he lost? How many had they all lost?_

Titan after titan, limb after limb, nape after nape- the scent of blood and death filled his nostrils. Another day and he may have vomited from the scent- might have lost his sanity. _Not today. Today was a day for a miracle. And he needed one to survive._ The sounds leaving him could be that of a beast, of a wild animal killing- he wouldn’t stop, not until every one of them was killed- until he could flee. _The others, they have to be alive._

“Fuck!” Levi yelled- as a set of teeth came launching at him, mouth open wide and disgusting drool sliding from demonic lips. Each foot stomped on a set of monstrous teeth- blocking his hurtling body from sliding to his doom. “NOT TODAY, YOU FILTHY FUCK!” He screamed, blade stabbing into an ugly eye- leaving him with just _one,_ but allowing him escape from that beast. _It was too much. There were too many. He was…he was…_

_The moon shone bright, illuminating the area in a surreal glow. Levi looked to it, eyes creasing as he felt himself giving in. At least…this was a view worth dying to._ Moonlight filtered through the tree branches, shining every pine- sending a magical glow to every surface it brushed. Tears formed in his glowing orbs- he was falling. Free-falling, descending into the chaos his life had been all about. _Maybe…it was time to rest, after all. He would save them…he would save them all, and Levi would die a legend. “Erwin…lead them all to freedom.”_ He whispered, a smile gracing his lips- leaving him feeling…resolved. The last of his blades slipped from his grasp, and Levi sighed- closing his eyes and letting go. _He lived a good life, better than anyone expected from him. He saved people, he helped. He wasn’t worthless. It was a good life. A life of heroism and…love. Levi had learned to love, after all. Surely his mother would welcome him with open arms, now…_

Being grasped tightly caused Levi’s eyes to widen- _it wasn’t a titan’s grasp._ When he opened his orbs, he saw him… _Shining blonde hair, determined eyes- strong arm wrapped around him. Chiseled jaw, set in a focused clench._ They were soaring through the air, with Erwin rescuing him from a doom he… _accepted._ The Wings of Freedom flew again, as their comrades finished off the few remaining titans- leaving them to escape to safety. Both men were silent, Levi staring at his savior with wide eyes- Erwin staring ahead with a blank expression. _He was angry, Levi was sure._

The pair landed, graceful and gentle- though the adrenaline wearing off gave way to pain. Levi collapsed to his knees, hand on his broken ribs with a pained grunt. “Sir! Is the Captain-“

“He’ll be okay. Bring me a horse.” Erwin ordered, kneeling to help Levi stand. “I know it hurts, we need to get to the base. You’ll have to suffer through a ride.” He gently spoke, helping to lift the male onto the steed- joining him, holding him tight from behind. They rode fast and through the darkness- every bump was like a stab to Levi’s ribs- causing grunts of pain to escape. “Hang on, Levi… Hang on.” Erwin whispered softly. Eventually, Levi passed out from the pain- the blonde’s strong arms the only thing keeping him upright and on the steed.

* * *

_Levi woke to the calming scent of a candle burning, illuminating the tent with a warm glow._ He shifted, noticing he couldn’t move so well- tight bandages kept his ribs from shifting and causing unnecessary pain. He glanced around, noting the blankets spread out to cushion the ground. No one was there, leaving him to wonder who brought him… _But he already knew that, it was Erwin._ Fuck, Levi couldn’t believe himself… _He’d given up_. He’d accepted defeat so easily, and he knew that Erwin knew.

Soft rustling alerted him to the tent entrance opening, the blonde pausing in the makeshift doorway. “You’re awake.” He whispered, entering fully and kneeling by Levi’s side. “Try not to shift too much. Hange bandaged you up the best they could, there’s not much to do for broken ribs.” Erwin stated, offering some water, which the raven accepted. He did feel parched, exhausted too. There was a tense silence, as if neither wanted to address the issue… _but they had to._ “Tell me what happened.” Erwin ordered, staring down at him. Taking a deep breath, swallowing thickly- Levi tried to get his thoughts in order.

“…there were too many.”

“Levi, we both know that you’ve handled more.” It was curt and cold. Because Erwin was _angry._

“You don’t know the circumstance. I was on my last blades, injured. Don’t pretend to know what the fuck went on. I was alone.” Levi snapped, defensive. Erwin silently studied him for a long moment, those blue eyes calculating.

“Levi. You gave up, I saw you.” He eventually whispered, eyes taking on a look of hurt.

“…you don’t know the circumstance.” Levi repeated, throat suddenly very dry.

“Bullshit I don’t!” Erwin suddenly yelled, making him flinch. “Do you think I haven’t been there, Levi?! Wanted to close my eyes, fall, and quit? We have all been there. But we keep going. _You_ keep going. You have to, Levi. There is no other option.” He sternly stated.

“Why?!” Levi yelled back, wincing in pain. “Why is there no other option? Huh?? I didn’t ask for this! For this fucking fame and glory of ‘Humanity’s Strongest’, it’s all bullshit! You know, you fucking made it up!” He was angry, but not at Erwin. He was angry at _himself. He was thinking selfishly, he was wishing it were all over._

“Because this is not about you and me, Levi. It isn’t about any one of us. It isn’t even about the Scouts. Do you understand that? This is about Humanity. And you cannot sacrifice yourself before your duty is done. That’s an _order.”_ He growled the end softly, and Levi saw through his act. Yes, there was no doubt Erwin meant every word about Humanity. But…Erwin was selfish, too.

“It’s not about you and me? So, you didn’t panic because I might die?” Levi asked in a whisper, eyes glowing fiercely with accusation. He watched the usually calm Commander swallow thickly and look away. _Ah, a small victory for the Captain._

“I didn’t say that.” Erwin whispered, very softly.

“Then _say_ it.” The raven hissed, glaring now. “You put on this act of ‘high and mighty’, but you were fucking terrified. You know it. You were afraid I’d be taken before you could tell me how you feel. Even though I know, I’ve known for _years.”_ Levi scoffed.

“And you’re any better, huh? You’ve looked at me with lovestruck eyes since I pinned you in the underground.” Erwin responded, face void of any emotion. This was it. The furthest they’ve ever gotten. This was the moment, the chance they had to finally move further- to admit their feelings and their own selfish desires. _If Erwin would just take it._ And Levi silently hoped, silently prayed to whatever god may exist- that he would take it.

“You’re right.” Levi whispered. That brought a shocked look to Erwin’s face. They’d both known it to be true, but admitting it was something entirely different. It made it real, palpable- as if they could reach out and touch those words- that admission.

“I’m right…?” Erwin repeated, breathy, brows furrowed. Because no, they’d never gotten this far. They’d reached that prior point- and then erupted into a mindless and stupid argument, all to conceal the truths they hide.

“Yeah, you’re right. I have loved you since then, even if I didn’t know that’s what it was. You saved me from filth and disease. You brought me up, literally, and gave me a higher purpose. You saved me in more ways than one. And I love you for it. And since then I’ve fucking loved every side of you that I met.” Levi was rambling now, there was no stopping himself. Cause if he did? He’d never get those words out. Levi’s brain wasn’t even functioning now. His heart was spewing itself like a disgusting vomit of words. Erwin was very silent, breathing rapidly, blue eyes furrowed with his large brows- creases on his forehead showing his utter disbelief and confusion. “Well? Nothing to say to that? Are you going to run away again?” Levi asked, voice soft and worried- because from now on nothing would be the same. He laid himself out in the most vulnerable way he could- he poured his heart out. And Erwin could pretend not to know, but he’d be lying now. He’d be lying to himself and to Levi.

“I don’t know what to say.” Erwin whispered, running a hand through his hair. Levi watched with wide eyes as he rose. “You should rest.” _No, no- Erwin couldn’t run away. No, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go._

“Erwin!” Levi hissed, sitting up rapidly- ignoring every stinging pain in his broken ribs, ignoring every nerve screaming at him to stop, ignoring every part of his brain unsure. Erwin lurched for him, eyes wide and stammering about how he had to lay down… But he grabbed the Commander by the shirt, and pulled his lips to his own. That shut him up fast- and to Levi’s surprise… _Erwin didn’t pull away._ He kissed him back, ushered him to lay back, and held his face in those big hands.

“Levi…why couldn’t you leave it?” Erwin asked against his lips, voice sounding so wrecked- the opposite of how Levi had ever heard it. He sounded vulnerable, he sounded hurt. “We can never be the same again.” He sighed, hands trembling. And Levi understood… it was scary. Now that they had these feelings, these real feelings out in the open- how would they be able to exist without one another?

“Life is too short… We need to spend the time we have left wisely.” Levi whispered back, shocked that when Erwin pulled back, his eyes were full of tears.

“You gave up, Levi. Why did you do that?” He asked, very softly. Levi’s eyes widened- and he felt sudden guilt. Strong, painful guilt- reminding him all that he had to live for.

“…I was weak. I’m sorry.” He admitted, thinking back to that moment. All he wanted to do was escape. Escape the hurt, the horror, the pain, the agony of this life. From the time he was born, he was thrown into misery. Levi had determined it was all he was good for- to suffer strongly. He never cried; he never admitted his pain. Lost his mother, moved on. Lost his friends, moved on. Lost his comrades, moved on. _What if he lost Erwin? He could never move on from that._

“You’re allowed to be weak, Levi. But not in times like that. You come to me, to be weak from now on. Do you understand? With me, you can always be weak. In our privacy, in our haven. But you and I, we can’t be weak to others. This burden we carry…” Erwin trailed off, sighing deeply. Levi took his hand, squeezing it tight.

“We can carry it together.” He whispered, coaxing their lips to meet again. That night, they laid by one another and rested. Rested, let out their feelings, and reveled in the other’s company. After they arrived inside the walls safe, rested, clean, and healed- that was when their first night was spent, acquainting each other with their bodies. Hands exploring, mouths tasting, sweet sounds escaping in melodious harmonies- the night lasted forever, until both were sated and exhausted. And when Levi woke, safe in Erwin’s arms, he knew this was the life worth living for.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I wrote this selfishly for me as a b-day present because angst. So yeah, that's it bye.


End file.
